GagDragon

you lazy fucks:

yea yea yea, alot of you folk are city dwellers and aint have no need nor essperience with the idea of lawn maintenance, but im here to tell ya a few things about yer lawn ok ese? even if you aint have one, its important to realize what goes into one should you ever have the need to cut yer mammies lawn while she’s out biddin on alpacas at some ranch auction down mexico way.

so when you’re in yer 20s or 30s, you buy a crib and start to realize all the shit that goes into making the house, not necessarily look awesome, but look unnoticeable. you dont want to be that chauncey ass chauncey with the weeds waist high or the shutters peeling or the basketball hoop with no basketball hoop – just a rusting black festivus pole.

the easiest way to not have your neighbors think you a chauncey ass chauncey is to fucking MOW YOUR SHIT on a regular basis. on top of that, if you actually have GREEN grass, you’ll get a cool nickname too like “ol green grass over there” or “mowie mcmowsalot” or “john deere greene, on a hot summer night, he wrote billy bob loves charlene, in letters three foot high” (I LOVE YOU JOE DIFFIE!)

ive come up with a quick lesson for all the dumb fucks who think the lower you mow, the less frequently youll have to do anything to the lawn

if you dont have a lawn and want to skip this, please skip to the area below where it says **********************

** raise that mower deck bitch: i learned from an amazingly green lush lawn having neighbor at my first house the following mantra for lawn care:

the longer the blade

the deeper the root

the deeper the root

the greener the grass

the greener the grass

the lusher the carpet

the lusher the carpet

the more ass you get cause your lawn look BANGK INS!

** weeds n shit yo: weeds dont need water to grow. weeds need sunlight. so another reason to have tall grass is to choke the fucking chauncey ass chauncey ass weeds out from their food source. the worst thing you can do is mow short (for most types of grass in my area at least, so fuck you zyosa having bitches with your 1/2inch mowhawk grasses) cause the weeds be like “yo open baaarr! let’s crash this chauncey ass chauncey’s lawwwwn yo!”

** fertilizer: unless you bought a 30 year old house with an established weed-free lawn, you actually have to apply fertilizer about 4 times throughout the year. early spring is the first one, then about 6 weeks later do another one, then during the hot months dont put shit down cause that shit burns the mothafuckin grass like a chauncey ass chauncey. then put the shit down just as it starts getting tolerable again (in chicago this is late august/mid september). then do one more application when you’re wearing a coat. like end of october. that makes the following spring BANGIN as you have green grass when all those chauncey ass chaunceys have brown shits.

** infestation: if you got more weeds than grass you need help. but dont get weird and start digging everything up. thats when you call true green or some lawn company to do their weekly treatments for a season. it takes time for shit to get back to homeostasis and look good, but you gotta work at it once it gets back from the brink by fertilizing and mowing high.

** seeding: i do this once a year right when summer actually starts. buy the small bag and mix that shit with dry soil. then spread with a taco bell cup with a hole in it.

** incidental weed control: buy a fucking WEED HOG. go head, google that bitch. you should be pulling the occasional weed every time you get ready to mow. some people throw them pulled up chaunceys in a bag to get picked up as lawn waste, but i just toss em into the lawn and mow over em. chauncey ass chaunceys.

i wager i spend about 3 hours a week on my yard throughout the week. before it got it all pimp and chauncey free it was about triple that. now i just mow and sing journey songs as i ride my john deere. i get so much ass its pathetic.

************************* go forth to love and to kick some serious chauncey ass chauncey ass ass