GagDragon

Posts Tagged ‘rules of modern music’

Donning clothing accessories for use on stage must follow one of two rules:
1.) none at all
or
2.) so many that they become distracting to the audience, fellow band members and the performer him/herself.

The only exception to this rule is bone piercings, which in and of themselves are completely acceptable in every way shape and form and location.

Before Senator Dan Durganson deregulated concert tickets allowing ticketmaster to monopolize the ticket market; ass, grass or cash were acceptable payment methods BUT know this: Nobody rides for free.

Contrary to popular belief, the act of stage diving is actually based on an ancient incan suicide ritual, and therefore must only be performed by a shirtless male, doused in sweat, alcohol and/or blood and generally wearing leathers or torn jeans.

In order to be considered a top tier lead singer you must contain the following qualities:  a patented stage move using either karate, gymnastics or dance.
A name that sounds like a serial killer
And an obnoxious coke habit.

If a bass player has a decent speaking voice and vocabulary, he must either have a degree in law, finance or psychology; or a skill set outside of music, mainly in business, horticulture or cabinetry;  if he has no attractive qualities other than his bass playing abilities, he must remain mute offstage and so, in all media dealings he must defer to his “band, man”.

Adendum to the back up singers.  If the mix is overweight black woman with natural hair, slightly effeminate mix raced gentleman and white woman with a turtle neck then the average age of audience and non backup singing performers is 55.

The addition of backup singers to a stage show does not automatically increase the quality of music being performed, but does automatically increase the admission price.