GagDragon

Posts Tagged ‘our neighbors’

Hans Middleton-Sax is in pencils. #2’s, mechanicals, golf pencils, everything pencil related Hans has his hands in. His big break came when in college when Hans started a pencil war with a classmate during a lull in note taking and imagined using recycled cardboard as a pencil body with its usual yellow pencil color would give the impression that the pencil was indeed, “wood strong” but would snap smoothly like the “select-a-size” paper towels he is so fond of. Hans took his idea to the pencil market as his flagship and has been making pencils out of recycled paper, toilet paper and retired sex toys ever since.

Samantha Paulton was a bookish type in her early 30s. Most people would be hard pressed to describe her as foxy, but she did carry herself with a certain pinache that would lead to her name coming up in conversation when the local fellows were discussing girls who were secretly hot. Most certainly because every man has a fetish for the naughty librarian. What they did not know was that in addition to being secretly hot, Samantha had a secret. While most knew little about her other than being the heir too the Paulton meat dynasty, none of the townsfolk knew that she was once a major league prospect in the Kansas City Chiefs farm system. A fireball throwing left handed closer named Samuel “Race-Baiter” Paulton, known for his high velocity and quick temper. After blowing a save against the much hated Toledo Mud Hens, Samuel disappeared without a trace but is occassionally discussed on the New Joe Buck Live show on the Home Box Office.

Frank Rasmusson. Known politically as Franksmusson, is the luitenant mayor of Rifle Springs, where he originally spent every summer as a lad muskrat hunting. Due to his high profile as a survivor of the zombie muskrats, known locally as The Coloreds (much to the chagrin of the few local darkies). Frankmusson was kidnapped and nearly disavowed of both legs by flesh eating Coloreds in early March 2008. He has recently taken to the shine and is often seen wheeling down local gravel roads in his custom offroad Rascal.

Alexander Appleton was known to the locals as Double A, not only for his initials but because he wrote the “double a-m-c-o” tag line for the aamco filling station chain as a young executive with the bbdo advertising agency. Having left that world behind after spearheading the green movement alexander moved to out town and opened a shop that specialized in reusable, recyclables and other green products. Recently at a town hall meeting alexander suffered a bit of a nervous breakdown and admitted that he thought global warming was being caused by the reptilian overlords from bartron nine and he was just trying to make some quick coin to which his sassy overweight latina wife replied “whatjewtalkingaboutowlex.”

Martin Caves drank. He drank a lot. He wasn’t a drunk, no. Martin, during college, had participated in a drug trial for a kidney medication to earn extra spending cash and its unique side effects combined to give him the tolerance of a bull while only standing 5′ 2″. This worked to his advantage as he toured the country challenging bullheaded assfaces to drinking copetitions. He wins. Everytime. Life rules for Martin, who’s motto is: “If it knocks YOU over it’ll tickle MY nose.”

David Paul Wilkins lived alone. He was in his mid-40s, never married, and never hoped to. It wasnt that he was shy, in fact he had his fair share of the ladies, he just liked the idea of spending time alone with his books and his cat. He was quite happy with the little life he carved out for himself. He spent much of his 20s and 30s with a rough crowd, they type who would ride motorcycles, drink until all hours of the night and dabble in gun running, prostitution and the distritbution of crystal meth. He had put that life behind him after his childhood friend Paulie “Banana pants” Creedon passed in a fatal motorcycle accident. David decided to sell his bike and used the money he made to take a course in the Library Arts, he had managed to work his way up from Desk Clerk in the reference section to becoming the head librarian at the Pecolville Public Library. People thought his passion was books, but little did he know that he just got a kick out of listening to uneducated people say Liberry