photo credit: hattiesburgmemory

i was a waiter at olive garden in college

i knew i was at a chain restaurant but knew i could milk the suburban population for all they were worth with my charm, smile, false nametag and scrumptious love handles

i once waited on a radio host from a local AM station and unbeknownst to me (people in the west say unbeknownst, deal with it) the guy was impressed with my witty banter

i continued to wait on my other tables as this dude stopped my manager and talked me up for some reason

now ive had stalker customers in the past that think i remember them when the come in every time, but i was all about serve & boot (get em in, get em out, take they dough yo) so i kept myself detatched from actually falling for people as customers. they were just money to me, tricks if you will.

so the dude left and i discovered a fatty tip and his business card

i pocketed the money and tossed the card in the trash
who wants to go on AM radio anyway?

a few weeks later the guy comes back in, i remember him cause he told my manager i was a great personality and would “go far” in the service industry WANK WANK (im making the jerk off motion with my right hand) not because he was a radio host
he asked me why i didnt call the number on the card like i said i would
i apologized and said i didnt remember being instructed to call and that my “supervisor confiscates all non-cash tips” (which was bullshit)
so he left another card and i again, threw it away

later on that night i get a phone call (actually i got paged and i called my friend back – HELL YEAH 90s!) and he said his mom was listening to the AM station this guy worked at and he was going off about how he had “offered a college student waiter a hand in moving up the radio ladder” and the young man “Taffy” (i always had false nametags as a way to spark conversation, for a few weeks I was Taffy, then i went back to Bartyle or Gregorio or Sunshone *past tense of sunshine*) was unresponsive to his “charitable gesture” and would probably end up working in a dive restaurant for the rest of his life or something

the other day we’re in the car and im searching for a radio station that doesnt come in very well so i can use my fm transmitter for my mp3 player and i hear his voice on a christian radio station that advertises “more of gods music, less talk”

if i wouldve taken his charitable gesture to move up in the radio world, i would be the only atheist at a christian radio station that wouldntve allowed me to talk anyway.

photo credit: dalequetepego

networking is a post from sexy ass GagDragon, are you going to the mall later?

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when i was 16 i went to see NIN and david bowie.
at the time i was dating this older chick (she was 19) who i was constantly trying to impress with my coolness
i had been told in my younger days that i bore a striking resemblance to josh davis, aka dj shadow
while we were there eating prescription medications like pez, i had the idea to attempt to get back stage using my dj shadow moniker
i grabbed the chick by the hand, went towards the back stage entrance and cooly said to the HUGE BLACK WALL that was a security guard “tell trent josh is outside”
he looked at me funny but told the walkie walkie who was at the door
a few seconds later he shook his head towards the door and let me and my girlfriend (WHO WAS COOING WITH PLEASURE) backstage

i didnt know what i was going to do if i got in, i hadnt really thought that far
but there we were, standing under the stage just being in the way
groups of longhairs were swerving around us

after my girlfriend said “what do we do now?” all i could think of was “find free shit”
we found the craft room and started eating cubes of cheese and pocketing bottles of perrier and cherry 7up
girly started filling her purse, i cracked a cold molson ice tall boy
it was like two kids in a candy store that was serving quality bland ass food for roadies

a few mins later we hear a HEY and turn around
trent reznor is at the door smiling
“you dont even look like josh.”
i was awestruck, THIS DUDE WANTS TO FUCK ME LIKE AN ANIMAL! i didnt realize he was so creepy looking in real life

i started to say something and he asks “how many times has that worked?”
i smiled back at him and said “just the once”

he laughed and took off leaving us to continue stealing cheap free foodstuffs and horrible malt liquor in cans too cold to shove into my crotch

a few hours later, as we were telling the people we went to the concert together it included david bowie doing lines off the girls labia

but now that its been 13-14 years, i can be honest
i snuck into the NIN backstage posing as josh davis only to steal cheese and carbonated water
i fucking rule

concert going is a post from sexy ass GagDragon, are you going to the mall later?

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my snotty red crunchy boog was permanently smeared across my girlfriends aunts white easter skirt

the bad news? we were all headed even further from her house to a fancy buffet
the good news? i had cleared my fingernails of all blood remnants before the mass had ended

religion. is a post from sexy ass GagDragon, are you going to the mall later?

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one time, we were at a fair in Sandwich, IL

we were checking out the motorhomes cause thats what people in the country do, they buy houses with wheels

i look over and denny hastert, at this time he was the current speaker of the house, was walking towards me and wifey

he was surrounded by secret service

i poked jules and headed over to him with my hand extended

i introduced myself, told him i was in the 17th congressional district, one of his constituents and he introduced himself

then i couldnt speak

i was transfixed

he had the longest nose hairs of any person ive ever seen in my life

he asked me the same question three times and i said nothing

jules nudged me and i stammered out “uh, john deere all the way” or something equally as inconsequential, we shook hands again and we walked away

we rounded the corner and i said out loud “DID YOU SEE THE NOSE HAIRS ON THE SPEAKER OF THE FUCKING HOUSE?”

turns out he was doubling back

he heard me

photo credit: bradleygee

the speaker of the house for the greatest country in the world has a 7 man security team on him at all times and they dont tell him he needs a trim trim

i did.

the speaker and the outrageous nose hairs is a post from sexy ass GagDragon, are you going to the mall later?

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