GagDragon

a few days ago i was in the doctor’s office with my lil dude. 22 months of pure awesome. he had a lingering wet cough that seemed to get thicker as the day progressed, green snot, a fever for a few days. i wasnt worried about the flu because, well, the flu is something you get every few years and no vaccination is going to stop it from happeing, just better overall health and he still puts everything in his mouth…

no i was worried about bronchitis. that shit’s scary. specially for a lil dude such as mine.

so we’re waiting in the little dirty ass room they put you in for a female doctor to come in. she doesn’t but rather some pale irishman in true ginger fashions, complete with his irish claddah ring facing up, so he was a single ginger with no personality.

dude comes in and before i have three words out of my mouth he whips out a 4 inch qtip and tries to shove it up my kids nose, who was sitting patiently on my lap. i see that he’s making an attempt swabbing my son for the flu.

normally that would be fine for regular adults, but kids require an introduction. you dont walk up to any kid that isnt yours or a kid who knows you extremely well and touch them or invade their personal space without a hello. you must make eye contact and have a quick childish banter before the relationship goes any further. this isnt rocket science, it’s a fucking fact.

dude didnt even look at my kid before whipping it out (no pedo). so my kid leaned back into me and twisted his head like i taught him, fighting away from this ginger with the furry stick.

the doctor asked me “dad, please help me contain him”

CONTAIN HIM? ok dude. ill play.

i grabbed my kid’s shoulders and held him down gently and let his lower extremities fly where they may.

he approached from the south and my son and i exchanged knowing glances and as soon as he crossed the ankle my son reared back with his right foot (which we will now call “hammer”) and kicked this prick right in his single ginger jowls. the bottom teeth loudly crashed into his upper teeth, his ginger glasses were knocked from one ear, tears welled in his eyes and with a quick eye contact from the grinning father, completed his swab and in one motion stood up, resheathed the qtip and said through a partial cry “flu swab takes ten minutes”

we were left alone. i embraced my son like i hadnt seen him in 10 years and said to him “you are the fucking man and i am fucking proud of you son”

i put 5 bucks into his pigskin piggy bank when we got home cause my son stuck up for himself like so many of us forget to do in life.

the nurse came in and said “he is positive for Influenza A, the doctor will be in soon” – 15 minutes later the ginger returns and says “it’s H1N1″

being a father with cable television i get that pit in my stomach like my kid will be banished from the world for having this dreadful disease.

the ginger fucker tells me he’s giving me an Rx for tamiflu and i cringe, i have customers who took that shit and it ruined their next few weeks. i ask what the alternative to drugs was:

“well you could do NOTHING” gingerman says as he scoffs at my question

so ginger fuck face is better than we are.

but my son kicked that mcpompous mccocknose in his mcjaw to teach him a very valuable mclesson

before i part, let me tell you, there is no way of telling your son has H1N1 swine flu without a FUCKING BLOOD TEST and a GOOD FUCKING reason for said blood test. that doctor said that as a jab at me personally. i take fucking offense to the fact that he threw that at me like he knew it to be fact and if i didnt have three fucking pharmacists in my family i wouldve believed his ginger ass lies.

in closing, please learn this:

children are innocent. they react based on instinct. dont be a creep.

if you are within 3 feet of a child, NOT ACKNOWLEDGING THEM is fucking rude, and i fucking hope my fucking awesome spawn kids you in your fucking jaw you fucking asshole.