GagDragon

Posts Tagged ‘gag me’

Concert Going:

when i was 16 i went to see NIN and david bowie.
at the time i was dating this older chick (she was 19) who i was constantly trying to impress with my coolness
i had been told in my younger days that i bore a striking resemblance to josh davis, aka dj shadow
while we were there eating prescription medications like pez, i had the idea to attempt to get back stage using my dj shadow moniker
i grabbed the chick by the hand, went towards the back stage entrance and cooly said to the HUGE BLACK WALL that was a security guard “tell trent josh is outside”
he looked at me funny but told the walkie walkie who was at the door
a few seconds later he shook his head towards the door and let me and my girlfriend (WHO WAS COOING WITH PLEASURE) backstage

i didnt know what i was going to do if i got in, i hadnt really thought that far
but there we were, standing under the stage just being in the way
groups of longhairs were swerving around us

after my girlfriend said “what do we do now?” all i could think of was “find free shit”
we found the craft room and started eating cubes of cheese and pocketing bottles of perrier and cherry 7up
girly started filling her purse, i cracked a cold molson ice tall boy
it was like two kids in a candy store that was serving quality bland ass food for roadies

a few mins later we hear a HEY and turn around
trent reznor is at the door smiling
“you dont even look like josh.”
i was awestruck, THIS DUDE WANTS TO FUCK ME LIKE AN ANIMAL! i didnt realize he was so creepy looking in real life

i started to say something and he asks “how many times has that worked?”
i smiled back at him and said “just the once”

he laughed and took off leaving us to continue stealing cheap free foodstuffs and horrible malt liquor in cans too cold to shove into my crotch

a few hours later, as we were telling the people we went to the concert together it included david bowie doing lines off the girls labia

but now that its been 13-14 years, i can be honest
i snuck into the NIN backstage posing as josh davis only to steal cheese and carbonated water
i fucking rule

i went to easter mass with this chicks family and slyly picked a boog.
it was nice and crunchy, but had a sheen to it
i didnt look down to see it
but it was a HUGE BLOODY BOOG with a crunchy center.
i wiped it on the song book holder under my waistline but to my right a little
soon after her sister showed up and i scooted down
then her aunt showed up and wanted to sit to the left of my girlfriend
so we all sat back and she stepped in between our legs to get to her seat
on the way out of church, on her white skirt, was a bloody streak that to the casual observer looked like a mucus plug for a midget delivery

my snotty red crunchy boog was permanently smeared across my girlfriends aunts white easter skirt

the bad news? we were all headed even further from her house to a fancy buffet
the good news? i had cleared my fingernails of all blood remnants before the mass had ended

adult males should never, under any circumstances, wear jean shorts.

photo credit: daviddesign

if you ask why, please leave.

one time, we were at a fair in Sandwich, IL

we were checking out the motorhomes cause thats what people in the country do, they buy houses with wheels

i look over and denny hastert, at this time he was the current speaker of the house, was walking towards me and wifey

he was surrounded by secret service

i poked jules and headed over to him with my hand extended

i introduced myself, told him i was in the 17th congressional district, one of his constituents and he introduced himself

then i couldnt speak

i was transfixed

he had the longest nose hairs of any person ive ever seen in my life

he asked me the same question three times and i said nothing

jules nudged me and i stammered out “uh, john deere all the way” or something equally as inconsequential, we shook hands again and we walked away

we rounded the corner and i said out loud “DID YOU SEE THE NOSE HAIRS ON THE SPEAKER OF THE FUCKING HOUSE?”

turns out he was doubling back

he heard me

photo credit: bradleygee

the speaker of the house for the greatest country in the world has a 7 man security team on him at all times and they dont tell him he needs a trim trim

i did.

this here is a story from March of 2009. please to enjoy:

photo credit: cybershaman

on friday i went and got the ol truck warshed on my day off.

i was the only vehicle in the entire lot/line

as i dismounted my truck, two bored mexican guys attacked my interior with a ferocity i had never seen before and out of sheer boredom and the need to do something productive, they went apeshit, vacumming and wiping everything in sight, they even stepped on the brake and wiped the gear shift.

as i went inside to pay, i tipped their VAC ONLY TIP JAR a 5 spot. the two guys were hauling ass and it was cool to see people doing work, regardless of the task, with intensity and passion.

i paid the cashier inside who was watching obama on cnn.

as i was waiting for the guys to towel off my vehicle i started pulling my singles together for the tip and i noticed that i still had some tit cards from a friends recent trip to vegas in my wallet.

i had been using them for promotion of nothing in particular at shows and sliding them to people saying “my card” and then walking away as if i had actually given them my contact information. i dont have contact information.

so the two guys drying off the truck were haulin ass and like the other guys, just happy to be working rather than standing still freezing their asses off. i noticed that both of them were short on teeth and quite melancholy.

the five bucks i had ready to give them didnt seem sufficient by itself. so i increased the five to eight (all i had in cash) and slid a few tit cards in between the singles.

even though i was the only guy in the lot, when the wipe down had been completed he stood by my open door with his toweled hand in the air letting me know it was ready for me. i walked up, said “thank you sir” and handed him the wad of singles and pair of hidden tit cards, while getting in the truck.

i put the truck in drive and looking in my rearview mirror saw the dude count the tip nodding, and then BOOM, he shoots his neck back from the pile in his hand and holds up the tit card with a little bounce in his step. he calls the other dude over and hands him a tit card of his own and the two run towards the vacuum dudes to show them what they had won.

the moral of the story isnt just to tip people who deserve it, its that tit cards can really brighten someone’s day.

so save your tit cards from vegas, and give them to people who are having shitty days, weeks or lives.

tit cards = smiles off the strip.

Enough of this crap.

Be entertained.

photo credit: VideogameVisionary.com