GagDragon

i know i know, who wants to hear someone complaining about their day on a friday of all days?

well, ill be quick, and who knows, i may even be funny.

today i had the pleasure of being bombarded, cornered, gangbanged if you will, by a sweaty couple who came in to to ask about constipation. now ive dealt with constipated people, kids, my wife after her c-section, myself after my appendix came out – i know a shit load about helping people shit without the use of drugs, because let’s face it, the majority of constipation issues have to do with drug use, especially pain meds given for post-op recovery.

so as this delightful pair started telling me their story, (when in my line of work you say the word “constipation”: i point at one product, a story isnt needed) i noticed this rattling sound coming from the male’s hand. yes, in his hand he held a fanny pack. a fanny pack that no longer had the energy to be affixed around his waist, the ripped straps told a tale of a progressive losing battle with obesity.

i couldnt stop staring at it. its rattle kept me transfixed. i was hypnotized by this rhythmic maraca held by the bear claw in this man’s bear paw.

he stopped talking and said “what?”

i pointed “what’s in there man? you got some tic tacs? some skittyskittles?”

“these are my medications.” he said as he puffed out his chest and stuck his chin up at me.

“medications for what?” im thinking this guy has some shit goin on so i should be a bit more careful and perhaps get a pharmacist to talk about doctors to visit or something. but this is POOPING. not blockage or infection, just a steady constipation issue. happens all the time.

he mouthbreathed like i was inconveniencing him and unzipped his fannypack and it vomited up at least 2 dozen pill bottles and foil packs of pills.

as he took out each bottle he listed off what each was for, but that only lasted about 5 bottles, then after that he just said how many he was taking and when, as if when has anything to do with what, but ok. this gentleman had no idea what over half of these drugs were being prescribed for.

when he was done his wife plopped her ladysack on the counter and started unloading HER medicines.

i wanted to take a picture with my blackberry (but it probably wouldve given me the spinny hourglass that i love so much) because there were so many bottles scattered around my counter that it looked like a commercial pharmacy had actually shat right here in front of me.

it was disgusting.

fast forward 45 minutes. i had said 4 words to these people around them telling me their ailments and their specialists’s's’s ideas on what the matter was, never once did a question they asked get answered because every time they would ask a question they would pause and then, out of breath already, they would continue fucking talking.

fast forward 30 more minutes and im ringing them up at the cash register for one bottle of something that costs 26 bucks when the guy hands me his motherfucking insurance card to pay.

yes ladies and gentlemen, this motherfucker tried to pay for something with an insurance card that has no magnetic stripe, no cash value, and in a pharmacy that doesn’t take insurance it does nothing to pay for anything anyhow.

after almost an hour and a half of me trying to start explaining why this guy couldnt take a shit because of all the shit he’s taking, he wasn’t even going to try and pay in cash or credit card for the products that might end up allowing him to have a bowel movement.

i wont tell you how the story ends, but i will tell you that i saw him throw one of his wife’s pill bottles in his man sack. hopefully everything turns out ok and he doesnt develop anything larger than a d cup that he’s already sporting.

joel’s lesson for the day? humans were not made imperfect. if you suffer from a disease, medicine is there for you. if you suffer from merely being you and flashing an insurance card around makes you feel important or worthy of someone’s time only to waste it, you might not realize it, but your lack of self responsibility is what is fucking wrong with this fucking world right now.

drink water. take vitamins. eat meat. walk more. laugh more. and fuck your motherfucking fuck fucking insurance motherfucking card you plastic waving cockflower

love,

dad