GagDragon

Posts Tagged ‘christmas’

one year at christmas, me and four friends decided it would be a good idea to head into chicago in a snow storm. there were 5 people in my chevy caprice as we headed east on I-88. we were all under 17 year old and had no particular destination, but we had a full tank of gas, a carton of cigarettes and a few unmentionables stowed away.

about two hours into our trek, we had only managed to go about 10 miles on the highway, so we decided to take side streets the remaining 35 miles into chicago.

as we neared the top of the onramp, we saw a mother holding a baby tightly to her chest and her car with the blinkers on in a ditch. now just because we were 5 stoners out for a night of christmas cheer, doesnt mean we’re heartless.

my friend pee wee & i exchanged glances in the rearview and i pulled over behind the car and we got out to help.

it seemed her car had veered into the non-driven part of the lane and had become stuck. when she tried to gun it, her car died. we told her to go sit in our car in the heat with the baby while the 5 of us decided on what to do.

pee wee & lumby popped the hood, me and two other guys named tim tried finding rocks to put under the rear tires to get the car out.

about 20 minutes later i heard tires spinning and turned around to find MY CAR spitting up black snow and the lady in the front seat GUNNING it. my chevy caprice did what normal rear wheel drive cars do when you don’t know how to drive them, they kick out to the side. she ended up getting my car stuck in the same ditch just feet behind her own vehicle.

i screamed “what the fuck is this bitch doing?” and all 5 of us surrounded my car.

it seemed, she wasnt holding a baby to her chest like we thought. that wouldve been too “mainstream” or “obvious”.

no, this bitch had been holding a grocery bag of vhs tapes, video games & random jewelry to her like it was her child and now it was strewn all over the front passenger seat of my car with the bag shredded to pieces. adding up the situation going on in my car, i blurted out: “this bitch thiefin” like i had lost all proper english ability with the snow flying everywhere and the temperature getting to me.

all 5 of us had our hands in our pockets and our heads were trying their best to tuck inside of our jacket collars and we had no idea what the hell to do about the lady trying to steal my car, my car being stuck, and the lady we were trying to help’s vehicle stuck in the same ditch.

pee wee, being the ever-impatient young man he was, said aloud “fuck this, im walking to the gas station to call 5.0.”

no one objected.

i lit 4 cigarettes and passed em around to the boys standing with me in silent frozen solitude, all staring at the car in front of us, all warm and toasty, and locked of course.

the lady inside my car didnt really move or anything, she just sat staring straight ahead with her hands to her mouth and her satchel of random crap to pawn on the front seat.

one of the tims said “you think she stole the car too?”

we all turned to the car she was next to and returned our glances to one another and shrugged. the tim who just talked walked up to the car, opened the front door and with a huge smile on his face goes “joel! come here!”

i walk over and look inside the car and stacked floor to ceiling are sega genesises (genesi?), nintendos, boom boxes, tv/vcr combos and other boxes of other random electronics. this bitch had just come from a flea market or she just robbed her bosses kids’ christmas gifts out from under the tree.

we started going through the shit in the car while the lady in my car could only honk and flick us off. there had to be at least a few thousand dollars worth of electronics and other shit in her car, and the car was stuck for sure, and she had taken up residence in MY car only to get THAT car stuck. not only that, this bitch pretended like she had a baby to get our attention. fuck her.

two of the tims were talking “we can’t take any of this shit cause when pee we gets back with the cops they’ll confiscate it all.”

“yeah, but man that’d be awesome to score some of that stuff!”

“those are some kid’s christmas gifts tim.”

“i know tim, im just saying.”

we opened all 4 of her doors and popped her trunk and were in awe at the amount of shit she had managed to fit in her car, but we were getting cold and the wind was biting.

“hey tims, start unloading everything and lets go sit in her car, she aint goin nowhere with the caprice.”

so we unloaded everything ontop of her car and got in tried to start it. it started up on the first try, so we blasted the heat and sat there and smoke cigarettes.

about a half hour later two cop cars pull up slowly and pee wee jumps out of the back of one with a huge smile on his face. it seems when he described the lady with the car full of stuff to the cops, the cops knew who she was and where she had taken everything from. she pulled off the heist with 3 other men, whom she left outside the residence where they stole everything from. they didnt take kindly to that so THEY called the cops on HER.

two of those three guys were now in jail and the other had sat next to pee wee on the ride from the gas station and had come to ID the bitch trying to steal my car.

4 cops pulled their weapons on us first, then as i rolled down the window pee wee exclaimed “those are my friends, she’s in the caprice.”

i rolled the window back up as the cops approached my car behind us. all i could say was “i hope she didnt piss on my seats” to which one of the tims said “i hope if they blast her from all directions she at least gets out of the car, cause we have a decent amount of important baggage in that there caprice.”

all 4 of us nodded. pee wee was outside over the shoulder of one of the cops and was beaming from ear to ear, like he was on an episode of cops or something, but we were all bored and quickly losing the buzz we had gifted each other for christmas a few hours before this thing all started.

a long ass story shortened: the cops got the lady out of the car and arrested her. we got out of the car we were in, tossed the keys to the cop pee wee was talking to and went to get back in my caprice when one of the cops said he had to search our vehicle to see what she left in our car to fill out his report properly.

pee wee, the tims and i all froze. this wasn’t going to end a merry christmas.

then i’d like to think i came through in the clutch, i went around to the passenger side and grabbed the ripped bag of her shit and put all the jewelry and vhs tapes in the bag and went and gave it to the cop asking to search. “that’s all her stuff. we’re frozen and missing aunt maebell’s apple pie, can we go officer?”

“yeah, get on out of here, thanks for your help boys.”

we got in the car, started it up, and as i put it in drive one of the tims says “hey, isnt the caprice stuck?”

“nah dude, watch.” and i let off the brake and let the hoopty take us out onto the street. “you gotta be patient and gentle with the caprice.”

pee wee, now in shotgun, threw in one of the tapes the crazy bitch had left, it was a maxi-single of paperboy’s ‘ditty.’

pee wee turned it up as i yelled to the back “pack it”
*****

lessons learned? if theres more than 1 of you in the car, leave one person behind cause crazy bitches may try to steal your car if you pull over to help them