GagDragon

Posts Tagged ‘birds’

i almost ran over a dead bird with my handmedown johndeere tractor last night while mowing my tree-less, fence-less, landscaping-less yard.
i threw me tracter in neutral, threw on the brake of park and hopped off my trusty rusty steed and kicked that dead sumbitch onto the sidewalk in front of my neighbors house.
i thought nothing of getting the bird out of the way of my blades yo. who wants to see a red stain on their yard and crunchy remnants strewn aboot?

STREWN ABOOT!

NOW YOU SAY IT!

STREWN ABOOT!

so i go back about me mowins and im about 75% of the way done when i notice a crowd developing across the street from said dead bird dude, dude.
whatever, im busy, i dont need any haberdashery to make my evening complete, ill finish my yard and go in and watch the sandlot with my son and then we can both say YOURE KILLING ME SMALLS! at the same time. itll be keen.

about 30mins later im hosin down my deere (it got quite grassy because of the rain we got the night befer, i dont often hose down me steed that often, please dont assume im a hoser all of the time) and i notice the crowd dispersing and my neighbor, who now has the dead bird on her sidewalk, walks right by me and wont look in my direction.

whatever, polish people can often be estranged and seemingly aloof when it comes to the social constructs of a middle class american neighborhood.

so i put the tractor away, break out the push mower, mow the strips i cant mow with the tractor, put that away, and then go get a grocery bag and head towards my dead friend on the sidewalk. i wasnt even 5 feet away from the bird when i hear, out of a fucking window across the street “GOOD JOB JOEL”
who said that?
“good job.”
good job with what?
“the bird”
what about it?
“you’re going to pick it up.”
yeah, wait, why wouldnt i pick it up?
“i dont know”

i see what’s going on here – the people that were crowding around outside on the opposite side of the street were conspiring over whether or not i would pick up the avian carcass that landed in my front yard. they werent commenting on the storm from the night before or the lovely weather the weekend is supposed to bring, no, they were all taking bets to see if i would dispose of the lovely gift bestowed upon me from the heavens.

i feel like a kid all of a sudden. is a dead bird moved onto someone’s sidewalk for all of an hour while somebody mows their lawn an insult? so i google while holding the dead bird in the plastic target bag, yes, technology makes even the lowliest dead bird disposal agent connected to the internets.

here is what i found out:

Birds are often omens of bad luck. A bird accidentally flying into your house indicates that news is on the way. If it cannot get out, it is a certain sign of death. A woodpecker tapping on your house means bad news. Newlyweds receiving a wedding gift with designs showing birds can expect their happiness to fly away.

but this bird was on my lawn? do i assume that my sister’s sister in law’s favorite television star of sister kate currently out of syndication fame, stephanie beacham’s sister’s friend Brenda is going to sue my cousin’s foreign diplomat exboyfriend over a construction deal gone south? ONLY TIME WILL TELL!
but in the interim, i will continue to not run over dead birds and if i fucking have to, ill kick that sumbitch onto your sidewalk while i finish mowins. BITCHES.