GagDragon

if there’s one thing ive learned about humans, it’s that over 80% of the population is made up of people who have never given thought to the idea that they might be a complete piece of shit. it’s always everyone else’s problem. much like the fat lady who almost killed me and my kids last week, some people dont find compassion or respect for people you dont know very high on their list.

now before i get rolling, im not saying that im always the perfect representative of the preferred human being, but id like to think that im concious of how i act in public so as to offend the least amount of people possible.

so this morning i witnessed, in line at dunkin donuts a woman take a babywipe container, put in on the trunk of her car, and proceed to take a fucking shower.

no, she wasnt under any water, and no she wasnt attractive by any means, no.

this broad started by carefully taking off her flip flops and stepping onto a paper bag behind her car, SHE DIDNT WANT TO TOUCH THE ICKY GROUND.

she then shimmied out of her cut off jean shorts, which were about the circumference of a 50 gallon drum (EACH LEG), and proceeded to yank out multiple babywipes. thankfully her smooch & chute were out of my view, but she used about 8 babywipes and threw each of the used babywipes near her feet on her “shower mat”.

i ordered my coffee at this point so im not sure if she put on new shorts or if she just yanked up her old ones thinking that if a babywipe is good for a baby, a babywipe is good for where the baby could probably walk the fuck out holding the placenta like a bowling ball bag.

so i turn my attention back to this lovely human specimen as she reaches to her hip and grabs the sides of her tank top, which were more of a roll top if you can pick up what im layin down, and pulls up as she sashays back and forth to get it around each layer of love and her gargantuan sasquatch terts. these terts werent bare, no. but they couldve been for the transparency of her undergarments left little to the imagination and resembled an armpit stained undershirt worn by beetlejuice over a victoria’s secret little diddy.

so she’s standing there, on a paper bag, wiping her arms, her armpits, in between each finger, her neck, behind her ears. then she grabs maybe 4 or 5 new wipes and proceeds to lift up rolls of fat and wipe under them. alternating sides and never using the same wipe thrice.

so she finishes her rolls and grabs a lime green little number from the backseat, stretching her legs out straight so as not to have to step off her papermat.

just as she gets the shirt over her ginormous yams she looks straight ahead and sees the entire line of cars facing her.

she has to realize that about 2 dozen people just saw her change and shower with babywipes right?

no.

she just realized theres a fuckin dunkin donuts over there! wooooo!

and she walks towards those of us in line pondering just what she’ll devour in front of some other poor soul.

i didnt lose my appetite this morning, but i lost a bit of my innocence.

if you are ever considering giving yourself a babywipe shower, please do so at bonaroo or some other outdoor festival so as to stay away from the rest of us.

now im going to go put on “lady in red” and have myself a nice glass of ether to forget the whole ordeal

love,

dad