dadmath
April 9th, 2010 | 
Author: yesterday i had a wart surgically removed from the bottom of my foot. his name was reggie and im going to miss scraping him on the coffee table to annoy my wife. i cant walk very well today, which is weird cause the real Reggie cant walk really well in real life either since the state awarded him that Rascal moving chair. the circle of life indeed huh reggie?
so RIP reggie.
but this morning i had the utmost pleasure of celebrating my son’s first actual shit on the toilet.
all 5 of us were in the bathroom as he shat upon his froggie shitter and awarded the crowd with his toddler aroma and sound effects.
if i recall correctly, we all clapped a number of times. he won three pieces of pez from his Shrek pez dispenser. 1 for number 1 and 2 for number 2.
so why is a kid shitting such a big deal?
diapers are fucking expensive and ive got the dual shit machines trying to oust my oldest as king of daddy’s wallet in the who can shit the most category and if i can get one kid off the dipe and onto the pot, ill be able to buy that bottle of johnny walker ive had my eye on for a few weeks now.
lets do some dadmath shall we?
48 diapers for a 2 year old: 26 bucks. you gotta figure he gets changed every 3 hours or so while awake. so that’s 8 potential changes if he never slept. but that’s in a figurative existence, some kids cant shit in a wet diaper, so double two of those visits and pencil in the two or three dipes he rips off screaming “I GO POTTY”. Either way you cut it, a kid who doesnt sleep or my kid in his training phase, we’re at about 10 diapers a day. that’s rounding-up, 6 bucks in diapers a day.
the big bottle of johnny walker red is 32 bucks and i would only sip from its teet filled with its nectar of yum maybe three times a week, about three fingers each time. comparing my last big bottle of jw’s lifespan, i can make a big ass bottle last about three months.
which seems about right. if i have three drinks a week that bottle will last about 10-12 weeks.
one box of dipes: lasts 5 days and is 6 bucks cheaper than my booze.
one bottle of jw: lasts 12 weeks and is delicious.
84 days in 12 weeks.
16.8 boxes of diapers in 12 weeks at this rate
that’s 436.80 dollars in shitswaddles
minus my booze with tax: 36.80
thats 400 bucks more i spend on poop and piss than on liquor
meaning i can actually afford to drink more if my kid holds his shit and waits to erupt or spout off until he’s actually on the shitser.
love,
dad
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the trick is to put a drain in the baby’s crib and install a hose in the baby’s room. then it’s just a matter of hosing the spot down once a month or so or when the flies start to really congregate
this is very unique and antique posyt
this is very unique and antique post i had a defect surgically removed from the bottom of my beat. his figure was reggie and im leaving to avoid scraping him on the umber plateau to vex my wife. i vernacular paseo real rise today