GagDragon

dearest myrtle,

I know life with me was a hard and treacherous road, that only a woman of your calibre could have handled.  Every morn, I expected to wake to a note stating you left my drunk, two timing hide, only to be greeted by the aroma of cat litter drifting from your increasingly toothless mouth.  I would ask myself, “Self, how can one man be so lucky?”  I would promise each day would be the last day I smoked crystal meth, but the demon was too strong for even a former golden gloves champ like myself.  Luckily, the war started and I was called to serve my country against the hording aliens from Baltark 5.  It was here that I found a man named Jesus, and his teachings help me vanquish my demons.  Jesus was a slight man, semi-effeminant, but a sharp dresser.  I often thought of letting him have his way with you, but I know how you felt about that chinamen, which was the same as I felt about Jews.  That was the thing with us, often close but never on the same page, especially with your daddy being a rabbi and all.  It is the one failing in my life, well that and my criminal record, maybe I should say the one I had control over.  I guess what I want to say is, I’m sorry I made your life so hard, and I am sorry I could not love you the way you deserved to be loved, but let’s face Myrtle, you are a manniquin, and you have no holes for me to love.  For if you did I would not have had to become a teacher to find young ladies to court.  With all that said, you were my companion, my love, my friend and that is why I leave you my copy of the 3rd Rock From the Sun dvd season three….ahhh how we loved to laugh at that queer French Stewart.  It’s like you always said, all things French are a little gay.

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