GagDragon

Archive for the ‘past lives’ Category

Clint “ragtime” portifino

Born 1927 in Skoki, IL

Clint spent the better part of his youth in and out of detention centers.  He had an affinity for sexual assault.  The sentences might have been a bit steep since most of the charges stemmed from him laying naked next to girls and crying until they touched his junk.  In 1946 he had his reeses peanut butter cup chocolate and peanut butter moment when he poured a bit of chloroform on a rag and started knocking these women out, and leaving before they woke up.  The CIA caught wind of his ingenuity and brough him on board to take down suspected spies without a struggle.  After 14 years with the agency he was given a merit award and his new nickname Ragman

cary “thighbone” withalts

born chicago, il 1979

miserable gas station owner on the south side of chicago, sustained a leg fracture in the mid 90s playing paper ball in the street when he was struck by a mazda miata in his left leg causing his thigh bone to snap in half. after 7 weeks of a cast and about 2 years of physical therapy, “thighbone” went on a nationwide tour hip butting two door sports cars into large bodies of water for muscular dystrophy association
he once hip butted jerry lewis on his telethon receiving his trademark “waaaa” in return
they say his story was the actual inspiration for the movie Little Big League, but instead of hip butting cars with a regrown thigh bone they opted for the more family friendly baseball story you can rent on dvd and vhs today

William “Ordinary Bill” Cartoff

Born 1963 in Hattiesburg, MS

William was average in every way and was one of two Williams in his high school class.  His above average, averageness got him the nickname Ordinary Bill.  The other William was called William “Negra Bill” Hawkings

Franz “capetillar” Sharalt

boston, mass – born 1969

in 1989/90, during the stanley cup playoffs between the bruins and the oilers, Franz was arrested on public intoxication charges outside the stadium after tripping over his shin length bruins jersey and subsequently telling the arresting officer “occifer! i havent a drink had all day! im drunk not!”
his dyslexia became so legendary he now makes royalties everytime someone says “take me drunk im home”

Rutherford “Tramp Stamp” MacCovey
Born 1974

Best Known for coining the term tramp stamp during Greekfest at Pepperdine University in 1993.  Two girls who appeared be straight out of a White Zombie video were dancing on the bar when “Tramp Stamp” noticed one of them had a lower back tattoo.  The new nickname came as a relief because it replaced his previous nickname “Daterape”

Reagan “poppy” Manferdini

Born 1946

resides outside Roanoke, VA

best known for failing his final drug test before being allowed on the first shuttle to the moon, in pre test video he is shown shaking neil armstrong’s hand, thanking him for the bagel that would ultimately remove him from the shotgun seat aboard the historically famous flight. the soundbite of “poppy” after failing the test can still be heard today as he invented the term “up yours” but in it’s full regalia it is spoken as “up yours neil, ya fuckin’ mook.”

Clarence “Bacon” Robard

Born 1957

resides in Lake Havasu, CA.

Best known for a rare nerve disorder that causes him to sweat bacon grease.