GagDragon

Archive for the ‘past lives’ Category

francis “karl” ringlamb

ventura, ca – 1962

When francis was 8 his drunk uncle rodney called into his room one dark night “KARL! Git your black ass out here!”
now francis was norwegian, and was named francis, not karl.
uncle rodney was the most popular guy in ventura with his thriving auto sales business and orange groves on the side, he was always helping 5 people while screwing 2. his affinity for the hooch got him into trouble with kids he thought were his and his brother’s son francis was no exception. as francis exited his room and approached his drunk uncle rodney with a confused look on his face uncle rodney stooped down into his face and said directly to his face with the breath of a distillery: “you’re black, and your name is karl, and don’t let anyone ever tell you different.”

Karl “The Seer” Jenkins

Born 1957 in the Tremont section of the Bronx

When Karl was born people always said there was something different about him.  His grandmother, an old voodoo woman from New Orleans who relocated to NYC in hopes of a better life for her family often said he had the gift.  When Karl was in he was said to have seen the assassination of President Kennedy almost a year before it happened.  As time went on Karl struggled with his gift, he was always looking for the next big vision, but was cursed to only see mundane everyday events like “I see you eating a hotdog and drinking a coca-cola.”  Years later Karl became a born again christian and confessed that the only reason he saw Kennedy’s death was because he was looking into Abraham Zapruta’s future and sawing him “filming some shit” it just happened to be Kennedy’s death.

shamus “shame shame shame” shamus

edinburg, scotland. born 1999

as a ten year old diorama prodigy, shamus shamus brought his tiny enclave just outside edinburg major media attention when after completing award winning dioramas depicting major world events he was asked to try something less serious. his siege of the alamo diorama, signing of the declaration of independence diorama and his tribute to william wallace diorama were all featured on Don’tcha Know I’m Scootish a local tv access program, and when he unveiled his “less serious” diorama, the entire community was shocked to see that rather than a clown blowing up balloons or a puppy chewing a shoe, he chose to do a diorama of aretha franklin singing “chain of fools”.

Quadry “Chess King” Albertson

Born 1972

Peekskill, NY

Quadry got his nickname not for his skill in chess, for which he was a grand master, but because of his choice of attire in the mid to late 80s.  Quadry was what most would call a guido, which made for a complicated life since he was an African American teenager and there is one thing that italians hate more than grown black folks is teenage black folks.  But Quadry did not let this deter him as he sky rocketted in the chess community he invested all of his winnings in IOU sweatshirts and those reeboks that were supposed to be for aerobic classes but became a fashion statement for men sporting a ducks ass hair cut and driving fieros.  Tragically Quadry was taken from us too soon when he crashed his 1987 red Fiero after his then 8th grade girl friend spilled a bartles and james on his white IOU Sweatshirt with the red and pink lettering.

frank “knit” mcdevitt

gary, indiana – born 1919

frank was a track star whose family was quite poor. to raise extra money he would jump over things at events for tips and free meals. in 1927 just after graduating high school with a full ride scholarship to Indiana University for track and field, frank was the entertainment at the Ft. Wayne Quilt Fest and as he high jumped over a 8 foot tall quilt made by a lovely miss sandy beckinsin of the indianapolis beckinsin’s, frank blindly leaped onto a display table mistakenly set up ontop of his down landing pillow by the farmhand Lurvy from the Jones Hog Farm. This display table was set up with 78 different types of hook needles meant for “speed knitting”.
Three of the needles severed his spine and “knit” then spent the rest of his days knitting boys track and field inspired quilts and handkerchiefs from a wheelchair made of donated copper pipe.