GagDragon

Archive for the ‘lolz’ Category

i’ve had it with people today.

i almost ran over a dead bird with my handmedown johndeere tractor last night while mowing my tree-less, fence-less, landscaping-less yard.
i threw me tracter in neutral, threw on the brake of park and hopped off my trusty rusty steed and kicked that dead sumbitch onto the sidewalk in front of my neighbors house.
i thought nothing of getting the bird out of the way of my blades yo. who wants to see a red stain on their yard and crunchy remnants strewn aboot?

STREWN ABOOT!

NOW YOU SAY IT!

STREWN ABOOT!

so i go back about me mowins and im about 75% of the way done when i notice a crowd developing across the street from said dead bird dude, dude.
whatever, im busy, i dont need any haberdashery to make my evening complete, ill finish my yard and go in and watch the sandlot with my son and then we can both say YOURE KILLING ME SMALLS! at the same time. itll be keen.

about 30mins later im hosin down my deere (it got quite grassy because of the rain we got the night befer, i dont often hose down me steed that often, please dont assume im a hoser all of the time) and i notice the crowd dispersing and my neighbor, who now has the dead bird on her sidewalk, walks right by me and wont look in my direction.

whatever, polish people can often be estranged and seemingly aloof when it comes to the social constructs of a middle class american neighborhood.

so i put the tractor away, break out the push mower, mow the strips i cant mow with the tractor, put that away, and then go get a grocery bag and head towards my dead friend on the sidewalk. i wasnt even 5 feet away from the bird when i hear, out of a fucking window across the street “GOOD JOB JOEL”
who said that?
“good job.”
good job with what?
“the bird”
what about it?
“you’re going to pick it up.”
yeah, wait, why wouldnt i pick it up?
“i dont know”

i see what’s going on here – the people that were crowding around outside on the opposite side of the street were conspiring over whether or not i would pick up the avian carcass that landed in my front yard. they werent commenting on the storm from the night before or the lovely weather the weekend is supposed to bring, no, they were all taking bets to see if i would dispose of the lovely gift bestowed upon me from the heavens.

i feel like a kid all of a sudden. is a dead bird moved onto someone’s sidewalk for all of an hour while somebody mows their lawn an insult? so i google while holding the dead bird in the plastic target bag, yes, technology makes even the lowliest dead bird disposal agent connected to the internets.

here is what i found out:

Birds are often omens of bad luck. A bird accidentally flying into your house indicates that news is on the way. If it cannot get out, it is a certain sign of death. A woodpecker tapping on your house means bad news. Newlyweds receiving a wedding gift with designs showing birds can expect their happiness to fly away.

but this bird was on my lawn? do i assume that my sister’s sister in law’s favorite television star of sister kate currently out of syndication fame, stephanie beacham’s sister’s friend Brenda is going to sue my cousin’s foreign diplomat exboyfriend over a construction deal gone south? ONLY TIME WILL TELL!
but in the interim, i will continue to not run over dead birds and if i fucking have to, ill kick that sumbitch onto your sidewalk while i finish mowins. BITCHES.

yesterday i had a wart surgically removed from the bottom of my foot. his name was reggie and im going to miss scraping him on the coffee table to annoy my wife. i cant walk very well today, which is weird cause the real Reggie cant walk really well in real life either since the state awarded him that Rascal moving chair. the circle of life indeed huh reggie?

man, this one time me and wifey were comparing schedules to see when we could fit in a hot and sweaty fuck and realized we only had 17 minutes before i had to leave for a meeting and she had to pick up my son & nephew for a tball game.
so i dropped trow and readied myself, she grabbed the lube and i took care of myself while she made sandwiches.

PEANUT BUTTER AND BANANA SAMMIES FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111

so i swerved in traffic this morning to avoid hitting a raccoon that had already been struck by the homosexual prius in front of me. normally im not into striking animals or harming things, but as soon as i got back on the road i immediately regretted not finishing the fucker off.

while discussing cock rock…

because i frequent a daycare facility twice daily and squeeze through these gossiping, yet oddly attractive, bitches – when they pop the doors on their trendy vans, which i also recently purchased, they have this shit blaring and encourage their kids to “rock out”, which i am also guilty of, but im pushing my kid onto the shit i like rather than the shit im told to like.
the guitar hero sector of the population is impinging on the awesome aspects of rock music by allowing these people to say things like “im down with buckethead” when they can only say “i cant beat that one buckethead song on hard, it’s fucking hard man”
you aint down with buckethead you fucking coooze! you played a video game, hundreds of times, that doesn’t earn you the right to align yourself with those of us who stood outside the riv in chicago for 7 hours just to hear a version of nottingham lace that would melt the skin off of a mud soaked rhinoceros, you spent your free time tapping colored buttons. you are akin to the DDR queers who big up tiesto.

WHO THE FUCK IS TIESTO??

YOU DESERVE TO WEAR A COCK ON YOUR NOSE FOR ETERNITY YOU FUCKING COCK NOSED SOCCER MOM HAVING FAGASS!