GagDragon

Archive for the ‘lessons’ Category

everyday, monday through friday, i take the same 2 or 3 ways to work depending on the time i leave the house, if i have to drop off some kids at day care, if i want to take the scenic route, etc.
everyday, monday through friday, i see this same fucking jeep with the 13.1 stickers. not just two or three. im talking every other week this fucking jeep gets a new 13.1 sticker. meaning, the guy that drives this thing is obsessed with people knowing how many kilometers he runs on the reg.
everyday, monday through friday, no matter which way im taking to the pharmacy, this jeep is trying to pass me
everyday, monday through friday, before i had kids, i would challenge this pissant for lane supremacy for no other reason than to shove my position in front of the semi with the manure in his taught and well manicured FACE leaving him to ponder why i have an artichoke sticker on my truck. (WHY DO I HAVE AN ARTICHOKE STICKER ON MY TRUCK? because artichokes are fucking delicious.)
everyday, monday through friday, since ive had kids, ive been off and on with my fuckery and this jagbag. sometimes i fuck with him for the thrill of causing road rage, sometimes i let him pass and make the jack off motion at him from the safety of my truck.

this morning everything changed.

for.
ever.

today is like any other day, except that is fucking gorgeous outside. today is a day where i appreciate everything from my family and friends in real life, to my internet friends, to the tiniest ground squirrel that im pretty sure is burrowed under my concrete stoop in my back yard.

so as im driving to work this morning, windows down, sun roof open, some black keys on the manpod, the sun is shining, the sky is blue as a married man’s balls, the clouds are wispy…
WISPY!

so i see this fucktard creepin on a come up in me rearview. i sees hims.
i notice that my grip on the steerin wheel tightens and i get that feeling in my stomach like i just saw a hot chick in jr high and my skater haircoif is in my eyes.

today im not in a mood to fuck with anyone so i stay at my usual 2 or 3 mph over the speed limit cause i have nowhere i need to be besides work and who gives a fuck if im 5 or 15 minutes early or late?
im in the left lane, approaching a semi in front of me in the right land, when i hear him PFFFFFRRRR up on my right, YANK his jeep into the left lane in front of me barely missing me, step on the gas hard as hell, and accelerate and then YANKING his jeep back in front of the semi
the semi guy with the CB radio, the trucker hat, the mustache, the cigarette and the orange vest (completely fulfilling all of my trucker stereotypes) (im lying, i didnt see him) kind of gets freaked out and slams on his brakes and swerves to the right
im directly on his left and see the little curly q of a cable between the trailer and the truck itself wobble at me in my right window
i speed up to avoid whatevers about to happen and get into the center lane to avoid getting smashed up by the ensuing catastrophe that jagface created with his 13.1 stickered yeep yeep.
the semi is now REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEing with a potential jackknife and all traffic behind me is now braking hard and urched forward on its front wheels.
i quickly cross two lanes of traffic and pull to the right side of the road and take a breather as the scene calms down

this fucking jag bag almost killed an entire population of early morning drivers for no good reason, and the light is fucking red up ahead, the dude is fucking STOPPED and has saved no time but has completely freaked a shitload of people out!

as i pull back onto the road in front of the semi who was driving like 20mph after the whole thing, i see two cops wizz past me with their lights on headed towards assface

the feeling of community with people i dont know was awesome for a few minutes here. we all approached the intersection where the cops had cornered him going about 20 in a 45mph zone.

have you ever seen about 20 cars all flick off some asshole at the same time WHILE there are cops there? im fucking INSPIRED! i want to find more jagbags (without the near fatal collisions) and publicly chastise them too!

the moral of the story?

dont be a fucking asshole when you have nothing to gain but potentially hurting innocent people. and slow the fuck down you fucking assclown, what the fuck is the fucking rush you fuck?

and if you have a 13.1 sticker on your car, your penis is fucking small or your breasts are fucking nonexistent and youre compensating by showing off something that noone fucking cares about, you pickle tickler.

so the healthcare thing passed, which means that eventually, i will be either out of a job or i will have to fire more people to do more work for even less money.
which got me thinking about how people are entirely too reliant on other people to fix their shit. im not talking calling your neighbor to go take a look when you’re at work and your wife is flipping out about a piece of your roof blowing off (TRUE STORY! THANKS TO MY NEIGHBOR BRANDON FOR SAVING ME YESTERDAY!). I’m talking about hearing half of a story about “free healthcare”, not caring to research it or pay attention to the progression of its fineprint, just taking it as something that you can add to your list of things that “are owed to me”.
fuck you.
as a dad (with a huuuge penis mind you) i am now in possession of a responsibility to take care of my kids and one of the things that i was taught and will teach them is that medicine can’t always cure what laziness can cause and awareness couldve prevented. taking a pill for fixing something that you brought on yourself with either poor diet, a sedentary lifestyle or just poor decisions is fucked up. not fucked up because you dont deserve to be able to fix yourself up once you’re fucked up, but fucked up in that those people that were fucked up dont do enough to remind the people that aren’t fucked up to NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO GET FUCKED UP FROM THE BEGINNING!

the healthcare debate isnt about people being fucking up, getting fucked up and unfuckingup themselves, its about who’s paying for the services for the people who cant afford to unfuckup themselves and trying to bring down the costs of unfuckingup for those of us who already pay out the ass for health insurance. (take my kid’s recent 6 day hospital stay, which is adding up to $130,000 and they didnt even figure anything out that i couldntve done with an internet connection, some barium, x-ray vision and dry hands from too much hand warshing)

so if the healthcare debate isnt about health, ill fucking tell you how to fucking stay healthy.
TRY MUTHERFUCKER.
TRY TO STAY THE FUCK HEALTHY.
PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR DIET, GO WALKING, CUT DOWN ON SUGAR, CUT DOWN ON FAST FOOD, SMILE, LAUGH, HAVE SEX, PET PUPPIES, READ BOOKS, MASTURBATE IN MOVING VEHICLES AND ON MOUNTAINSIDES, TAKE RISKS, SPEED WALK AT THE MALL LIKE REGGIE, JUST FUCKING DONT TELL ME I HAVE TO PAY FOR YOUR SORRY ASS’S UNFUCKUP WHEN IVE BEEN PAYING FOR MY OWN VITAMINS AND VEGETABLES WITHOUT ASKING FOR MONEY FROM YOU.

and as always,

love,
dad

when i was 7 years old, i was riding my bike around the neighborhood and saw a friend of mine’s family in the yard staring at the front door as movers were taking large pieces of furniture out and loading them into a truck.

i saw my friend holding on to his ma’s leg and her arm around his shoulder.

i had this idea that they were being evicted or having hard financial times or some shit

but i pedaled home and told my mom and she basically gave me the “aww that’s too bad” face with the scrunched up chin and the head tilt. i thought that there was something i had to do for my little buddy so i quickly went through my baseball cards and found all my doubles and hopped back on my bike and drove over to the baseball card store and asked for cash for my dubs.

the owner gave me what i remember to be something crappy like 8 bucks for a good 20 cards, but it was my only option at that particular juncture. so i pocketed the cash and got back on my bike and hightailed it over to my buddy’s house to maybe save their house with my 8 dollar donation.

by the time i pulled in the driveway the moving truck was sealed and there was no one in the yard acting sad. so i rang the doorbell.

the mom came to the door, and i remember her from many of my early nocturnal emissions – man she was a doll, she came to the door like nothing was wrong.

so i asked for my buddy and when he came towards the door i took the 8 bucks out of my pocket and thrust it out towards him and his mom.

“what’s this joel?” the hot mom in the tight white fuzzy workout pants before they were fashionable says.

“it’s all i could raise on such short notice. i dont want you to lose your home”

she gave me this confused slash “maybe i should take off my shirt for you joel” look and tilted her head at me and said “what are you talking about?”

so i looked up into her hazelnut eyes, shooed out the thoughts of her washing my bike on a windy day with really cold water and said “i saw the moving truck here taking stuff out and i saw you guys looking sad and…”

i stopped talking as she put a fist on her hip with all of her weight on her right leg and said “joel, we’re not moving. we got new furniture. come look.”

as she walked away her backside called to me “rose bud. rose bud. rose bud.” i will never forget those hips in those pants for as long as i live. but i followed her alongside my friend and walked into the living room and saw their new furniture.

it was my first experience with a “microfiber” couch, with scotchguard. the recliner wasnt a pull lever, it was a fucking button!

nice couch.

but i went home and my mom asked me what is going on with my friend and his family and the moving truck and i told her i was mistaken and they were just getting new furniture and getting rid of the old stuff.

my mom, in a very mom way, told me what i experienced was empathy. while misplaced and completely wrong in every way, i discovered that i have an innate ability to feel what i think other people are feeling and i find myself using it alot.

i have a hard time with people suffering. if a friend of mine is in pain, or a kid i know is in pain, or going through a difficult time, i find myself empathizing with them and thinking positive shit for them. i know i cant always give all my money or time to someone and fix all of their problems, but i give it thought quite a bit.

even though i made an assumption and it was incorrect, i still empathized with my friend and his family because i didnt WANT that bad shit to happen to him and the only way i knew to help was to give something of mine to help their situation.

i hope my kids think like that when they get older.

cause every time they do, ill think of mrs. tight white fuzzy workout pants before they became fashionable and her hips that, to this day, give me pause to adjust myself.

*shrugs*

*adjusts pants*

*waves*

*makes “call me” hand sign and puts to mouth and ear in telephone like precision*