GagDragon

dearest myrtle,

I know life with me was a hard and treacherous road, that only a woman of your calibre could have handled.  Every morn, I expected to wake to a note stating you left my drunk, two timing hide, only to be greeted by the aroma of cat litter drifting from your increasingly toothless mouth.  I would ask myself, “Self, how can one man be so lucky?”  I would promise each day would be the last day I smoked crystal meth, but the demon was too strong for even a former golden gloves champ like myself.  Luckily, the war started and I was called to serve my country against the hording aliens from Baltark 5.  It was here that I found a man named Jesus, and his teachings help me vanquish my demons.  Jesus was a slight man, semi-effeminant, but a sharp dresser.  I often thought of letting him have his way with you, but I know how you felt about that chinamen, which was the same as I felt about Jews.  That was the thing with us, often close but never on the same page, especially with your daddy being a rabbi and all.  It is the one failing in my life, well that and my criminal record, maybe I should say the one I had control over.  I guess what I want to say is, I’m sorry I made your life so hard, and I am sorry I could not love you the way you deserved to be loved, but let’s face Myrtle, you are a manniquin, and you have no holes for me to love.  For if you did I would not have had to become a teacher to find young ladies to court.  With all that said, you were my companion, my love, my friend and that is why I leave you my copy of the 3rd Rock From the Sun dvd season three….ahhh how we loved to laugh at that queer French Stewart.  It’s like you always said, all things French are a little gay.

to my nosey neighbor Raplh Mingleson, I leave my collection of misdelivered mail, of which he bitched about for 25 long years. Ol ralph was convinced his mail carrier had it in for him, but little did he know i would repaint his house numbers every time i noticed a new mail carrier on the job. his address changed alot, as did his demeanor when his electricity, water and gas was shut off every three months like clock work.

Ralph, if youre reading this, i didnt do it because i didnt like you, i was just bored and out of work.

to my dearest wife abigal I leave my resentment, disappointment, depression, and dispair.  Your big headed children ruined my vagina, and I hope you burn in hell.

Love,

Carlton

to my son, Mason, i leave to you my antique miniature spoon collection, which began to entrance me at the tender at of 11 when i met a young lad with small hands and mouth, yet ginormous forearms, at a local carnival. watching such a creature trying to eat his dannon fruit on the bottom with a regular plastic spoon was embarrassing for the both of us. much to my dismay he dug around in his camouflage fanny pack to reveal a silver spoon about 1/3 the size of a regular spoon. enlayed in its handle was an ivory broach containing a bundle of grapes. the craftsman ship had me in awe and i soon began purchasing these whenever possible, oftentimes giving up entire meals just for a new spoon to add to my collection. i now have over 579 spoons, many hidden in locations my son can only find by following the clues left within the spoons on display in my leather-rich office, which smells of a medium priced mahogany veneer.

my favorite is of a cat falling off of a branch with the caption “hang in there” engraved upon the handle in san serif font.

To my daughter I leave the gun collection i started shortly after she was conceived. Use it on any rappers that come in the neighborhood.